Stories of mind

Those rattling words that go around my head

Each time counting to get rid of the thoughts

Those that consume and conquer

A pale comparison to a helpful memoir

Of tales to tell just because

Not made to tell just for other people’s need

Of my need perhaps

Or perhaps their need

That thoughts have a mind of their own

Scary and dark

Twisted in the way they pretend to only be words

Inadequate objects that have labels

My words that mean something to me

Only I can tell the world their meaning

But in the end seem to own me

Only candles

I sit in a room with only candles

Wondering how I got here.

How did I manage to encase myself with such darkness

which never seems to end.

Only flickering gives light relief.

The sweet flicker of ending time.

Of dark to light and back again.

But why I made my place here

In the dark

I’ll never be able to answer.

Such questions are too difficult to manage

when I am living in void of laughter.

With tears and no joy.

Of gates without keys to their locks.

With a heart of stone which never breaks but frequently starts

beating the way one never should.

I sit in a room with only candles and wonder why

I never turn another light on.

I wonder why I stayed here this long.

My top tips for surviving new meds

My top tips for surviving medication side effects; whether you’re riding them out and never taking the med again or hoping the effects will go away with time.

1. Remember the side effects are not forever. They will end.

2. Rest if you need to. You’re not being lazy, you are looking after yourself.

3. Call on social support if you need it. Side effects can feel lonely.

4. If you are worried ring your GP or ring 111 if you’re in the UK and it’s not a emergency. There’s no shame in checking you are okay. Side effects can be scary!

5. Eat & drink enough. This goes without saying really.

6. Cry when you need to. But remember it’s the meds!!

7. Do whatever you can to get through it but make sure you are keeping yourself safe.

In the house of my mind

In my house

Of rooms in my mind

They are hazy and blind

Not knowing what’s next

Or even remembering from how long

A mismatched bungalow

All emotions on one level

Numbness proceeds throughout

Of uneneding nothingness

Until we build stairs again

Where life will become more 3d again

Where life will become real again

Where I will sit in a room and sigh

And know I’m happy to be alive

But stairs are needed first

One step at a time

To achieve my goal of feeling

Of all my feelings together

In my house.

I am who I am

I looked in to my doctor’s eyes

And only saw pity

Pity for the life I’ve spent years curating

Knowing that I am worth the same as everyone else

My doctor’s eyes looked dark and unending

Sympathy not empathy

He thinks I’ve lost who I am

Or was meant to be

Like I’ve tried and now given up

But you see

I know I’ve tried my best and that’s the only reason I’m still here

The only reason to keep going

In a sea of waves knocking me down

I know it’s okay to not be okay sometimes

When sitting in the dark in a room I’d never call home

But I’ve made it my own

So don’t look at me in sympathy

But do count my life in empathy

As there’s things we can all do to make someone’s life

less empty and more free

More okay and more me

I looked into My doctors eyes and only saw pity

I do not look in the mirror and blither away hours

Giving myself pity when I can give hours to accepting I’m meant to be me

I’m trying to be free as me

Let me be the self I’m meant to be

Art as self care

Art is important to me

Brush strokes along a page

Poking out fingerprints

With paint all over my hands

Chipped nails from clawing

Down mixed paper

A mash of colour

Never ending only beginning

Thoughts of only charcoal

And multi coloured pencil

Mind on matter

Mind over matter

Paper crumbled over spattered table cloths

Only been changed once

Since we’ve started

Ink all over

Bleeding through colours

Colour after colour changing

A mixed rainbow of opportunity

Calling me away from pain

Speaking out through the page

Reminding me of hope

That I can begin again

The little things in life

I think there’s something to say for the little things in life. Today I was supposed to go to an art class but it was cancelled so I popped to the garden centre with my parents. To most people this is a little thing to do on the way to a bigger event but for me it is the event.

Instead of feeling sad about this I’ve decided to accept that this is my reality. (Which is really hard to do!)

At the garden centre we saw reptiles, had lunch and had a look around at the christmas stuff (see photo!). I think people who are “made” to slow down see the smaller and possibly more important things in life. We are not able to rush through life but what we are able

to do is stop….and see the reptiles…twice!

Life is not a game. It doesn’t have a grand prize at the end of it we are all aiming for. Life is the journey. As people who are a bit slower, perhaps we get to enjoy that a bit more, or if not, start to appreciate the little things in life that others might miss.

My challenge is this-

This week look for the little things in life that you can enjoy but a more busy person might not.

Thanks for reading,

Beth x

How much are you worth?

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about how the prime minister talks about people in the UK. In her speeches and interviews, she and other members of the Conservative government seem to only talk about “hard working people”. This seems to translate to, “people making a economic contribution to society”.

The prime minster seems to be missing so many people out. Just because you are don’t make money doesn’t mean you aren’t doing amazing things for society, whether you know it or not. I know people who make a terrific contribution to society via their charity work, but these people are not classed as “hard working” as they do not make money.

This is so demeaning.

We need volunteers to help in our community (just for some clarity the Conservative government actually want volunteers so go figure that one out!), we need mothers or fathers to look after their children when they want/ need to, we need carers to look after their husbands, wives and children. We need people who are not economically contributing but who are doing a great job at contributing and changing society!

People who can’t work due to illness or disability are also another type of people ignored in the prime minster’s speeches. No one chooses to become unwell or be born disabled. That’s just a fact. Life is less when you cannot do what you want to do (This is obviously not everyone who is ill/ disabled, some people are able to work and some are able to engage in activities they enjoy more often than others). For people like me, the phrase “hard working people” makes me go cold. I already feel guilt, shame and don’t feel understood and these words cut in me like a knife.

Perhaps we could all just be human beings? Treated with respect for just being on the earth? I think this is the only way a human being should be treated. We all have potential, whether that means we make a lot of money or not.

So let’s remember that everyone is worth something and let’s not put that worth on how much money a person makes, because what does that really have to do with how precious a person is?

Theresa May, please remember this too.

10 ways I self care

What is self care!? Heres some possible answers, if you have a different answer please feel free to comment below to add to the list!

* Taking care of you

* Taking care of your mental health

* Relaxing

* Not worrying about other issues just focusing on the task you are doing

* Making sure you are okay

* Taking time out

Self care is important for everyone. I do different self care activities depending on how I am feeling on the day. It’s so important to look after yourself mentally and perhaps get some activities in place that you can do each week.

My top 10 self care activities (in no order!)

1. Painting

2. Hugging my lizards

3. Writing poetry

4. Watching Netflix or YouTube

5. Listening to audiobooks

6. Having a massage

7. Listening to music

8. Baking

9. Having a lie down

10. Being in green spaces

What do you do to look after yourself? Or do you feel self care is not important?

Thanks for reading,

Beth x

Top photo – Leonard

2nd photo – Lily

3rd photo – Leonard