Life. Creativity. Disability & Health.
It’s hard to remember things I haven’t done
When a memory comes
And I’m not sure if it’s true
Of a figment
Something made up or not real
Something I may have done
Or not done
I’m not even sure
The world is mixed up in my mind
Of what is real and what is not
And as the clock
Ticks
It ticks its way
Away
Through time and space
All I can do is wait
To remember something I may have said
Or not said
A figment of my life
I am me
Don’t tell me I can’t be me
Because I am who I am
Trying to be who I’m meant to be
And when I wander around
Meaninglessly
Not knowing which way I’m travelling
To the moon or backwards towards a blue sky
I need to stop
And prioritise why
Of where I’m going and where I need to be
Of life’s cruel identity
Struggle
Of being not here or there
And when I look in the mirror
I don’t understand the horror
Of who that is
Because it isn’t me
Until I spring back and know
That this is me
It’s who I want and need to be
And the alien in the mirror is
Incidental
Becauuse I am me
Whatever is in the mirror
Is who I’m meant to be
Trapped beneath
Unable to escape
Breathing through air bubbles
Fighting to keep going
Feels like theres no way out
But I keep trusting
Something out there can
reach down to me
And pull me out of this pit
Trapped beneath
Unable to escape
Life’s biggest scare
People’s biggest ignore
Trapped beneath
Unable to escape
But I keep trusting
Just thought I’d share some art work I’ve done recently. Making art makes me feel calm and more in control of my environment.
Leonard is my therapy
As she sits on my knee
Looking up at me
And I wonder what she’s thinking
What thoughts go on in her mind
When neurones fire
What her small brain conspires
If she understands my love for her
That I’ll always be there for her
Like she’s always there for me
Letting me know I am not alone
That she has my back
We’re safe at home
Together in whatever mess
the world holds today
Together we can keep being okay
Those rattling words that go around my head
Each time counting to get rid of the thoughts
Those that consume and conquer
A pale comparison to a helpful memoir
Of tales to tell just because
Not made to tell just for other people’s need
Of my need perhaps
Or perhaps their need
That thoughts have a mind of their own
Scary and dark
Twisted in the way they pretend to only be words
Inadequate objects that have labels
My words that mean something to me
Only I can tell the world their meaning
But in the end seem to own me
I sit in a room with only candles
Wondering how I got here.
How did I manage to encase myself with such darkness
which never seems to end.
Only flickering gives light relief.
The sweet flicker of ending time.
Of dark to light and back again.
But why I made my place here
In the dark
I’ll never be able to answer.
Such questions are too difficult to manage
when I am living in void of laughter.
With tears and no joy.
Of gates without keys to their locks.
With a heart of stone which never breaks but frequently starts
beating the way one never should.
I sit in a room with only candles and wonder why
I never turn another light on.
I wonder why I stayed here this long.
Hurtling through space
Like a marble through a maze
Unsure of where to go
Being guided through the haze
In my house
Of rooms in my mind
They are hazy and blind
Not knowing what’s next
Or even remembering from how long
A mismatched bungalow
All emotions on one level
Numbness proceeds throughout
Of uneneding nothingness
Until we build stairs again
Where life will become more 3d again
Where life will become real again
Where I will sit in a room and sigh
And know I’m happy to be alive
But stairs are needed first
One step at a time
To achieve my goal of feeling
Of all my feelings together
In my house.
I looked in to my doctor’s eyes
And only saw pity
Pity for the life I’ve spent years curating
Knowing that I am worth the same as everyone else
My doctor’s eyes looked dark and unending
Sympathy not empathy
He thinks I’ve lost who I am
Or was meant to be
Like I’ve tried and now given up
But you see
I know I’ve tried my best and that’s the only reason I’m still here
The only reason to keep going
In a sea of waves knocking me down
I know it’s okay to not be okay sometimes
When sitting in the dark in a room I’d never call home
But I’ve made it my own
So don’t look at me in sympathy
But do count my life in empathy
As there’s things we can all do to make someone’s life
less empty and more free
More okay and more me
I looked into My doctors eyes and only saw pity
I do not look in the mirror and blither away hours
Giving myself pity when I can give hours to accepting I’m meant to be me
I’m trying to be free as me
Let me be the self I’m meant to be
Beth Newby 